I've been struggling lately with the idea of whom I make my decisions for. For a long time now, it has been for others: in an effort for a second chance with a relationship I really messed up, to keep up with what my classmates are doing with their lives, to follow the path my parents and brother took. And in that vein, I'm not getting very far with my plans. If I was, I'd have a decent paying job in an environmental field, be living on my own, and already engaged. I am none of those things. So who am I? A college friend and I were talking about how, until graduation, our identities were (and always had been) "student". It's the common ground I had with my peers, it's what I entered as my occupation on tax forms, it's the thing adults asked about when they saw me. I have suddenly lost the identity I carried for 22 years. Which is where the "live for yourself" quote comes into play. In order to restructure what I am known as, I need to figure out what that will be, and the only way to do that is trial and error. The dining room table is currently strewn with papers and folders as I draft flowcharts and lists about what I want to do. My red "JOBS + FUTURE" folder rests atop my darker red "LOAN INFO" folder, each labeled in thick, black permanent marker. A four year plan, which will likely be outdated within the week, lists my plans through 2017: 10 months of service with AmeriCorps, traveling through Scandinavia (anyone want to come??), a three month internship at an eco-village in Iceland, volunteering as a deckhand aboard a ship, and completing a Masters program. Obviously these plans are conditional on acceptance into all these programs, which is highly unlikely. But given a choice between this and a steady entry level job, I'm not sure I would pick the latter. Is that selfish? Maybe so, since many would consider these "obstacles" I face to be easy obstacles indeed, independent as they are of life or death situations.
I've had coffee with numerous classmates from high school and college over the past few days (thank goodness I like coffee so much...), having variations of the conversation above with all four of them. None of us expected to be "that college graduate" living with their parents, unable to find the job we were promised if we went to college. I'm not suggesting we are entitled to these jobs in the slightest. And I feel guilty complaining when I have been given more opportunities than the vast majority of the world ever will. No, I realize hard work comes first, and that I've been blessed with so much, but it is frustrating and difficult to maintain optimism on occasion. Perhaps this is the first real lesson in adulthood: finding the happiness in your days, even if it's as simple as an unexpected text message or an autumn walk among the oaks. Living for myself, by finding what makes me happy and learning to rely on myself for happiness...that's what I take away from my title quote.
Hiking the trails awash in fall colors.
Really enjoying your blog posts, Anna :)
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